The premise was simple. Me, Ikea, one bookshelf named Billy. 30 minutes top. I parked in the parking structure and set my stop watch. . 3. . 2 . . 1. . GO!
I entered the maze, up the escalators and into Ikea hell. Oh, yes. I've been here before. You enter for one thing and get sucked into the never ending void of stuff you may need but don't want. There are arrows everywhere that point you where you could go if you wanted to - office , bedroom - kitchen - bathroom - rec room - all never ending rooms of clean, white, sanitized yet touched by every other person who set foot in this store before you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a germaphobic locked in Ikea for the night. What torment must be suffered at the hands of the weak. But I was strong. All I needed was one Billy bookshelf. I had the item number , I knew the price and the product code. I just needed to walk from A to B and get it........
Ikea is nothing more than a rat maze of stuff. When you follow directions correctly, you can never leave. I glazed over at the ten minute mark. I had not blinked for at least seven. It all looked the same yet all was a bit different. I tried making five lefts instead of following the pattern of traffic to the right. I grabbed onto the arm of a young girl, asian with yellow flip flops, and begged for her escort to the Bookshelf section. "Haha" she screamed at me , "you don't need book section, you need self service warehouse, you write down item number, you pick up with big cart, you go, you pay and you leave." I glanced down in defeat realizing I had this info on me already. I did not need an escort to the land of oohing, ahhing and measuring, again...... I needed the exit. She, little asian grrrl, grabbed my hand and like an anime escort, pulled me through side isles and over carts, through an emergency exit that unloaded me at the entrance to the Self help meditation and self service warehouse. As I vomited in the nearest trash can (pink and blue with flowers on it as well as an accompanying toilet brush cleaner and plunger set for an additional $3.99) , she said "your on your own, sailor! Good luck!" and disappeared back into Ikea nothingness.
I looked up and saw where I was, Isle #1, item 27, 28 and 30. To my left was a shopping platform. In front of me was a packaged Billy bookshelf, color = brown/black. Now isn't that a crappy color. Not brown enough to be poo, not black enough to be black, just a smear in the middle of both because it was $10 more to be 100% pure brown or black. I grabbed a Billy bookshelf box, tossed it on the cart and , like a mule pulling a cart, trudged to the check out. 300 other people were in line ahead of me.
A lady with at least 54 separate items let me cut in front of her ("you look like this store got the best of you, cut in front, my niece had to get another Igio table cloth 'cus the other one had a run in it") . I grimaced a glazed smile and squeaked out the first part of a thanks. I was so glazed I forgot to use the $50 dollar gift card in my pocket when prompted to finally pay. I limped outside, sun blinding me and heralded the valet service for people to watch your stuff while you go get your car parked in one of the neighboring lots before backing up to the cub of chaos where 64% of all large box purchasers will realize that what they bought will NOT fit in the trunk or the body of their car without taking it all out of the box and cramming it in like illegal aliens at the border.
My box fit from the trunk, in through the back seat folded down and exiting out the passenger side window WITH the seat belt securing it safely in place. Go me! I was almost home before I realized I had left the glaze of Ikea behind me. It was my wife's phone call message that black/brown was the correct color she wanted that brought me out of my Ikeacoma (Yes, this is a valid word for scrabble now, because I made it so,,, Ikeacoma, Ikeacoma, Ikeacoma..... my new mantra.........)
Now, bookshelf up and installed correctly, my wife has mentioned that, since we still have a $50 dollar giftcard, I can go back tomorrow and get another Billy bookshelf. It will be part of a system.......
I lost myself in Ikea today, I lost an hour and a half of my time as well. If you find me there tomorrow, please return me to myself as quickly as possible, my pre-Ikea coma self! It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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